Thursday, January 27, 2011

My guardian angel had another birthday.

So some of you know that we had a late-term miscarriage/stillborn (depending on if you're going by size of baby or time in uturo) shortly after we got married. On the 25th our little angel Elizabeth would've been 4. That day is always, even 4 years later, a crappy crappy crappy day. I find myself reliving the day, going over every detail, looking at the few pictures I have of her, and trying to picture what she would look like if she was actually a happy, healthy, living 4 year old. I can't. I can't even picture her as a normal baby. Maybe something's wrong with my imagination, I don't know. Anyway, this isn't what this post is about. Every year since she was born, I haven't lived close enough to where she is buried to leave flowers. The first couple of years were really hard, because it felt like I was forgetting her like everyone else. But then last year, my best friend Brianna, and my sister-in-law both went and dropped off flowers. It was really sweet. This year, I bought the flowers and had them sent to Brianna, and she took them over for me. And she also took pictures. I can't even express how much it means to me to know that my little girl isn't forgotten. And I know that a lot of people think I should "get over it" because she wasn't "a real baby", she wasn't born alive, I didn't get to see her smile at me or learn to crawl or have a little personality. Unless you have gone through the same thing, you can't understand. The second you find out you're pregnant, you begin to have dreams. About what your baby will look like, what they might be when they grow up, taking them to school, everything. When that life ends, even when you haven't gotten to hold, feed, or play with her, your dreams about that life ends too. And you do have to go through a mourning process. In our society, it seems that women who have had a miscarriage or still-born never talk about it. Like how someone never talks about it they're struggling with depression. I think we take it as a personal failing as woman, like it's OUR fault that the chromosomes had an error. Someday I'd like to be able to spread awareness. 99% of the time it is NOT your fault. The only times that are the woman's fault is when she is abusing drugs or alchohol, or when she doesn't leave a violent environment. Most miscarriages occur because of chromosome errors, and has nothing whatsoever to do with the woman. You are ALLOWED to mourn, it is not shameful, you shouldn't be pressured into "getting over it" because you didn't "know" your baby. It was a life, your baby's life. And he or she deserves to be loved, mourned and cried over. Don't let it take over your life, but don't pretend like that life didn't ever exist.

Anyway, that was a tangent, what I really wanted to do was post a couple pictures that Brianna sent me and also, this year I made a cake for her. This is the first year I've felt comfortable enough to share Elizabeth with all you. Thank you again Brianna!

Around the statue it says, "He shall gather the lambs in his arms" and the plaque on the ground says, "For all the born and unborn, known only to God" also in spanish

My note says, "I miss you baby girl. Love, Mommy"

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