Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Elizabeth's 5th birthday

*Disclaimer: If you are "uncomfortable" with people talking about infant loss/miscarriages or stillborns, this post is NOT for you*
 *I came across this image last week. I imagine that if Elizabeth had lived, she would have looked something like this. In the meantime, I imagine her as an angel all in white doing good works while she waits for her family to join her.

So last week on the 25th, my angel turned 5. My wonderful friend again took the flowers I ordered and went above and beyond and girlied up the cemetery where Elizabeth rests. I am so grateful to have someone like her who is willing to be my hands while I am where I can't visit her. I can't wait until I can be the one leaving her flowers, but until then, it's a blessing beyond words for her to do it for me. Thank you so much Brianna.

I'm not going to rehash things again. "This day is the worst day of the year", "I hate January", blah blah blah. Pretty much everyone who is close to me knows all this. I have come across some incredible pictures, quotes and other things that are wonderful for the mother who is grieving. So without further ado, I'd like to share these things with you all.

" We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it...grows more wicked and corrupt...The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again..." -Joseph Smith

Doctrine and Covenants 12:7-8

My son, apeace be unto thy soul; thine badversity and thine afflictions shall be but a csmall moment;
 And then, if thou aendure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy bfoes.
Doctrine and Covenants 122: 7
 And if thou shouldst be cast into the apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give theeeexperience, and shall be for thy good.
This statue is in Slovakia. It was created for all the unborn children in that country.

"The mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of brining it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grown to the full measure of stature of it's spirit...When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure, whereas here, the results are unknown until we have passed the test." Joseph Smith
President Spencer W. Kimball: ” “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.” Doctrine & Covenants Section 58 
This is a song from the musical "Little Women" It is sung by Mrs. March just after her daughter Beth passes away.
Days of Plenty

I never dreamed of this sorrow
I never thought I'd have reason to lament
I hoped I'd never know heartbreak
How I wish I could change the way things went!
I wanted nothing but goodness
I wanted reason to prevail
Not this bare emptiness
I wanted Days of Plenty.

But I refuse to feel tragic,
I am aching for more than pain and grief.
There has got to be meaning,
Most of all when a life has been so brief.
I have got to learn something,
How can I give her any less?
I want life to go on
I want Days of Plenty

You have to Believe,
There is reason for Hope
You have to Believe
That the answers will come
You can't let this defeat you
I won't less this defeat you
You must fight to keep her there
Within you

So Believe that she matters
And Believe that she always will
She will always be with you
She'll be part of the days you've yet to fill
She will live in your bounty
She will live as you carry on your life

So carry on,
Full of Hope,
She'll be there,

For all your Days of Plenty
I came across this article written by Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard called "Coping with the Heartache of Miscarriage". I really liked it, I recommend it. You can find it here.
A couple quotes from that article:
"The realization that our baby was dead came slowly. I didn’t want to believe it. Just twelve hours before, I had been working on a baby quilt. I was numb.
Later that night, I left the hospital with empty arms. I felt as though I had been robbed.
Once I was back home, well-meaning friends and family told me to be glad the baby hadn’t lived because it probably would have been deformed. Others said, “Don’t feel bad; you can always have another one.” I felt they thought my husband and I could get over this experience quickly and be happy again. But rather than being comforted, I was overcome with an intense feeling of loss. For months I felt anger, guilt, and depression, yet everyone seemed to tell me I had no reason to grieve.
Society seems to allow parents whose newborn infants die after a month or two to mourn. Parents of stillborns (a child sufficiently developed to survive outside the uterus but for some reason has died before birth) are allowed even less. Those who have miscarriages (a spontaneous termination of a pregnancy before the fetus is sufficiently developed) are often dismissed as not needing to mourn at all.
My arms ached to hold my baby. I often thought I heard an infant crying in the distance. I felt vulnerable and afraid that I might lose another child. During my four-month pregnancy, I had planned our baby’s future. When the baby died, that future died.
Many parents are surprised by the emotions they feel after a miscarriage. They often feel shock and disbelief. Life seems unreal for a time. They express depression, anger (directed at themselves, their mates, a doctor, God, or even life in general), guilt, irritability, lack of interest in normal activities, sadness. Many experience irregularities in sleeping or eating. Some feel anger or sadness in the presence of babies or pregnant women."
I came across this blog about this woman who lost her almost 2 year old girl. Heartwrenching. But she wrote this and I loved it. It's everything I wish I could put into words.
"When your daughter dies and you think you are starting to heal -- you are. You are healing. As much as someone whose broken heart struggles to beat on the outside of their body can heal. 

But when your daughter dies the pain can hit you out of the blue at anytime, for any reason. The fact that you live each day without her is reason enough.

And when your daughter dies it defines you. But you wouldn't want it not to. Sometimes the only thing I want people to know about me is that my daughter died. Nothing more. 

When your daughter dies you live in a dream world. Aware that you are "doing MUCH better", thriving even, but constantly aware that she is not there. 

The good times aren't so much "good" as they are triumphant. Because enjoying yourself, feeling at peace, having fun...those aren't your run-of-the mill emotions you experience easily after your daughter's death. They are hard earned rewards for having HOPE. 

When your daughter dies you understand what is really important in life while not understanding life at all. 

When your daughter dies you don't fear or fight getting older. You embrace it and have the ULTIMATE gift to look forward to in the next life--while simultaneously wondering and struggling with living your everyday life on earth and how you will possibly make it. 

But even if your daughter doesn't die before you--life is still hard. I don't plan on ever figuring it out. But I plan on continually improving through love of learning, love of others, love of self, love of nature, and strengthening my balancing act skills so I'm able to honor and connect with my daughter in another world without falling off the tightrope."
There are so many things I'd like to say, but the most pressing is that I love Elizabeth with all my heart and am looking forward to being able to hold her in my arms again.

1 comment:

  1. Just one of the many reasons eternity is beautiful!